“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsberger
Does it seem like no matter what you do, your wife always seems to be mad at you? If so, you’re probably hurt, confused, or frustrated. Or all three.
If you’re like most people, when you experience her challenging mood, you respond in one of two ways. Either you become defensive—explain why she is wrong, counter her examples, point out her shortcomings, get upset yourself, and so on. Or, you shut down, don’t engage, tune out.
Whichever one you do, it more than likely makes the situation worse.
It is important to remember that her actions and emotions are about her. She is taking them out on you but she is in charge of herself.
Anger is usually a reflection of hurt, fear, and/or frustration. I know that when I get frustrated, it often comes out as anger. It’s on me to manage, not take it out on the people around me, especially my husband.
The best way to proceed is to disarm your wife by remaining cool, calm, and present.
There are three things you can do to make this happen.
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First, when you realize things aren’t right with her, take a few deep breaths. This will enable you to override your initial emotional reaction. If you say or do anything before you grab your emotions, the situation will go downhill.
Second, if she has said anything to you, even if it’s in a harsh or angry tone, take a moment and restate what you heard her say. Again, this will give you time to take charge of your emotional reaction. Use this format—What I heard was finding dirty dishes in the sink is upsetting and unacceptable, is that right?
Said calmly and in this way, it gets her to stop and verify that is indeed the problem.
Once the source of her distress is identified, what you do next is critically important.
Do not go into defense mode. Even if she is blaming you. You may have a part in the events she is upset about but she is choosing to handle it in this way.
At this moment your job is to listen to her to understand what is upsetting her. Try to ask clarifying questions. Understanding her position does not mean you agree with it.
Let me say that again—understanding is not the same as agreement.
Your feelings and experience matter. But your success depends on your ability to wait.
No, it’s not fair. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive. It’s also the best way forward.
Once she feels you’re listening, once she gets it off her chest (no matter how unproductively she does it), that’s when you will be able to have a useful conversation about the source of her anger.
You’ve got this. But, if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you feel like you’re always in the wrong, reach out and we can talk.
