““Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle.” Charles Glassman
First, don’t be a dick.
That was a bumper sticker on a car my husband and I found ourselves behind several years ago.
It popped into my head this past weekend as an acquaintance of mine read a poem her husband wrote in honor of his death a year ago.
He wrote of all the things he would regret the times he was kind would not be among them.
It made me think about how I get to choose how I want to be in this world.
Because sometimes I don’t choose to be kind. Not something I’m particularly proud of.
This choice is bad enough when I’m dealing with strangers. But if I make it in my marriage, it can be disastrous.
Not being a dick is a good first step. But it isn’t enough.
The next step involves being nice. Nice is defined as “pleasing and agreeable, exhibiting courtesy and politeness.” Being nice to your wife is good, but it won’t protect your marriage.
To do that, you need to be kind. When you’re kind you have a sympathetic or helpful nature. When you’re kind to your wife, you are protecting your marriage.
It’s a choice you get to make every day, and it costs you nothing but thought and intention.
Why Marriages Quietly Lose Intimacy
"The opposite of Loneliness is not Togetherness. It's Intimacy." Richard Bach Like most good guys, you probably love your wife. And on paper, things look fine. You’re not constantly fighting. Maybe you’re not fighting at all. You’re not talking about divorce. From...
Stop Trying Not to Disappoint Her
"Be yourself- not your idea of what you think somebody else's idea of yourself should be." Henry Thoreau I was recently talking with a men’s dating coach about something that comes up all the time—how to avoid getting put in the “friend zone.” You’d expect the...
Conflict in Your Marriage Isn’t the Problem—Avoidance Is
"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it." – Mahatma Gandhi Let’s clear something up right away: Confrontation isn’t aggression.It’s clarity. It’s saying, “This matters enough to me that I’m not willing to quietly let it slide.” And if...
I hear you. You think that sometimes your wife doesn’t deserve your kindness.
But that’s just more reason to be kind.
It’s very hard to respond to kindness with hostility. Not only that, but it can also increase the chance that your kindness will be reciprocated.
Contempt, a prime example of dickishness, is the worst of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen that predict divorce. And kindness is the antidote.
When you are kind, you can influence how the other person feels. It’s what happened to me this morning.
I was having a bad day and the clerk at the sandwich counter wasn’t just nice to me. He was kind. He could tell I was struggling. By the end of my interaction with him, I was feeling much better.
That’s the power of kindness. But don’t just save it for strangers like most people do.
The more you choose kindness, the more impact you will have on your marriage. And isn’t that what you want?
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out if you’d like some support exercising your kindness muscle.
