“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” English Nursery Rhyme
First, I need to point out that no one—not you, your wife, me, no one—is ever right all the time.
So, if you are a “right fighter” you will struggle in your marriage.
And if your wife is also a “right fighter”, your marriage may not survive.
All couples disagree. But not all couples fight.
When a disagreement is seen as “conflict”, you each go into your primary mode of defense—either fight or flight.
And if you and your wife are both fighters, any disagreement could turn into an argument. And that’s where the major challenge to your marriage will come from.
One of the characteristics of this Fight-Fight Dance is that you aren’t really listening to each other. You hear enough to formulate your “right” response instead of taking the time to understand each other’s position.
And if it’s critical for you to be “right”, you will be closed off to any new information. So neither of you ends up feeling seen or heard.
The result is escalated emotion and, often, louder voices.
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When you give in to these raised emotions, the cognitive, reasoning part of your brain goes AWOL. You’re running on pure emotion and adrenaline. Leading you to lose control.
If you open your mouth at this moment, you might just say something you cannot take back.
If you both escalate to this point, and say nasty things to each other, you do lasting damage.
No matter how often and sincerely you apologize, neither of you can unhear what was said.
This undermines your sense of trust and safety.
And the more frequently this happens, the more distance will grow between you.
What makes this even more dangerous is that you’re most likely not really arguing about what is “right”. You’re arguing about your perceptions and experiences.
And I’ve never known anyone to effectively argue someone else out of those. And every time you try, the more damage you inflict on your marriage.
So, my question to you is this. Are you more interested in being right or having a happy, successful marriage?
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know what comment is still causing trouble in your marriage.
You are absolutely right. I wish I’d known 10 years ago that always trying to be right is completely pointless.
Henry,
Thanks for the confirmation. Knowing how to reach real agreement, instead of just right-fighting, is the key to a happy, successful marriage.