“Marriage is not just a spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.” Joyce Brothers
The novel I’m currently reading has the main character realizing he only shows up in his marriage when it’s convenient.
This week’s blog from my colleague Matthew Frey included this:
“And THAT becomes the narrative in our relationships. That we’ll only show up for people when it’s convenient for us, or something that we want to do. If it’s not affecting us, and we don’t clock it as important? Well, you know.”
This is the very definition of half-assing your marriage.
And it’s the cousin to inertia that I wrote about last time.
I’m curious what you think would happen with your job if you only did what was convenient or directly impacted you.
So if you wouldn’t slack off at your job, why is it okay to do it in your marriage?
I keep thinking of the line, “you tell others what your priorities are by how you spend your time” from the book 168 Hours by Laura Vanderkam.
When you blow off your wife because what she’s asking isn’t convenient or you don’t think it’s important, you are telling her that she doesn’t matter. (And neither does your marriage.)
Yes, you are entitled to take time for yourself.
But you still need to make time for your wife and your marriage.
Responsibility, Not Blame for Your Marriage
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You’ve Changed But Your Wife Doesn’t Trust It
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Own Your Part Without Taking All the Blame
"I will keep constant watch over myself and‚ most usefully‚ will put each day up for review." Seneca When things go wrong in your marriage, it’s easy to start building a case. You remember what she said. You remember what you said. You can probably point to the moment...
Yes, it is perfectly normal to have different viewpoints about things. Something bothers her more than it does you. The reverse is also true.
My response? So What??!!
If it’s important to one of you, it’s important to the relationship.
And if you tell her you will take care of the issue and don’t follow through?
In the immortal words of Dr. Phil—How’s that working for you?
This is how your marriage dies.
Not in one big explosion but by the death of 1000 cuts.
If she can’t trust you, her love for you will eventually die.
That may not be what you intend. But it is the result you will get if you only show up when it’s convenient.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you haven’t already, I invite you to take a 5-Minute Relationship Quiz to see how your marriage is really doing.
