“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” Henry Ford
You’ve heard the expression “Happy Wife, Happy Life”. Maybe you’ve even taken it to heart.
Now there is nothing wrong with wanting her to be happy. Or even doing what you can to make it happen.
But maybe you’ve noticed another phenomenon…….
The more you try to please her, the less pleased she is.
For years I’ve heard from men who really want to be good husbands. They listen to her complaints and make a real effort to move toward what she wants.
But just when they think they’ve nailed it, she comes up with something else.
No matter how hard they try, they feel like the goalpost for being a good husband is constantly moving.
It can be enough to make you give up.
In fact, many men do just that.
If they’re going to be in trouble anyway, they figure they might as well do what’s easier for them.
This makes sense, but it isn’t going to help your marriage.
There is a reason she does this. (And you do it. And so do I.)
It’s called the Blue Dot Effect and it’s been scientifically proven.
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Basically, the brain invents new negatives to replace the ones that go away. This is because focusing on the things that can harm you is in your evolutionary best interest.
So when your wife is focused on “bad” things you are doing, and you take steps to fix those things, she then looks for other “bad” things.
What didn’t bother her before, does now. Because, according to the Blue Dot Effect, when the “threat” to her lessens, she expands her definition of “bad”.
This effect holds even when someone knows about it. Because it’s hard to override what your brain does naturally.
None of this means you shouldn’t do things to improve your marriage and your behavior as a husband.
It does mean you need to go about it in a different way.
When you have a plan for your marriage that you both agree to, it’s easier to keep the 5:1 positives to negatives ratio that supports happiness. Thus avoiding the Blue Dot Effect altogether.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and share how having a game plan for your marriage would be helpful.
