What do you think of when you hear the word “sacrifice”? Does it sound easy or difficult? And should it be a required part of marriage? Not in my book. Because marriage is not a deity or supernatural blob that needs to be appeased.
Sacrifice is defined by Merriam -Webster as the “destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else” and “something given up or lost.” And often what is expected to be “sacrificed” in marriage is your identity.
If you’re like me, reading that last sentence provokes an unpleasant visceral response. And that’s precisely the problem.
You will either “sacrifice” yourself—your wants, needs, desires, quirks, etc.—by trying to be who your wife wants you to be, or you will resist any reasonable request for a change of behavior as the first step on the slippery slope to annihilation.
Neither option is desirable nor effective. They are both unsustainable.
Your marriage needs to include you. It cannot last if it doesn’t.
The idea that marriage requires sacrifice suffers from the same problems as the idea that it requires compromise.
If you start giving away pieces of yourself, you will eventually hit a point where you can’t give anymore, or you will cease to exist as an independent entity. And when you do, you will rebel. Your survival mechanism will require it and damn the consequences. Including the existence of your marriage.
Yes, you need to do things that support your marriage. But they have to be things you are capable of sustaining. This necessitates that they be authentic to who you are. You can expand your range of behavior but there are some things you will never be capable of doing. One of them is to see the world exactly the way your partner does.
I cannot rotate objects in my head. I’ve been tested and it is something I am incapable of doing. I couldn’t understand geometry until my engineer father got the blocks out of my brother’s room and I had something solid to manipulate in my hands. (The letters he wrote on the corners were still visible more than 30 years later.)
I cannot “sacrifice” my way out of this, so my husband has learned to provide visual aids for things he can imagine and I can’t. This limits my frustration and his resentment.
You cannot destroy your partner, or be destroyed by her, to save your marriage. You cannot surrender yourself, or expect her to surrender herself, without killing the love.
A good marriage is one that allows room for both of you to be your best selves. Sacrificing is not necessary.
If you’re ready to stop sacrificing and learn how to build a marriage that supports you both, let’s talk.
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