“Acknowledgment of torture is not accountability for it.” Yousef Munayyer
Last week a reader responded to my article that they, “had tried compassion but it made things worse.”
No details were provided but it made me realize that I needed to do a follow-up piece. Because compassion is a necessary but insufficient component for a healthy marriage.
One of the things all people in the helping professions learn is that you first need to meet people where they are. This is the main job of compassion.
Only when someone feels heard and understood will they be open to considering other options. If you jump in too soon with suggestions or corrections, the chance of them digging in their heels or getting defensive goes way up.
The end result? Frustration for you both.
Compassion is an invitation to do things differently. But it’s only the first step.
The second part of the process is accountability.
Because feeling a certain way or having certain beliefs is not a good enough reason to behave inappropriately.
One of the things we try to teach children is that, even though another child took the toy they wanted, hitting them is not an acceptable response.
Compassion is understanding the child’s frustration or upset. Accountability is the process of guiding them to better behavior.
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I struggled with Physics in college. I had two people I turned to for help. One showed compassion for my challenges and provided me with the answers to the homework. The other also recognized my difficulties but pressed me to find the solutions on my own.
Guess which one I turned to most?
I paid the price the day of the 3-hour final. After 45 minutes I had answered all the questions I could. I sat there for another 45 minutes before giving up. I left the room in tears.
I appreciated the compassion from both of my helpers, but I needed the accountability from the second to be successful. A lesson I learned too late.
And holding your partner accountable is tough. It’s a tricky line to walk because it can be interpreted as you trying to control them.
In truth, it’s about setting boundaries for what is and is not acceptable in your relationship. And compassion can temper how the boundaries are enforced. It shouldn’t be used as a justification for problematic behavior.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know what challenges you have with either compassion or boundary setting in your marriage.
