“You always seek to control others when you are not in full ownership of yourself.” ― Cicely Tyson
Does your wife want to know where you are, who you’re with, and when you’re coming home?
Does she criticize the way you do chores, dress, spend your time?
Does she give you a hard time when she doesn’t get her way?
If so, you probably label her controlling.
Or maybe she has accused you of trying to control her.
Control. It’s a word those of us in the relationship field hear a lot.
And there are two primary ways people respond when they feel someone is trying to control them.
Either dig in and resist. Or fold like a cheap suit.
The first leads to arguments. The second leads to resentment.
Neither is good for your relationship. And it won’t resolve the problem.
The reason? Her behavior isn’t about you at all. It’s a defensive response to her own fear and anxiety. (And if you’re the one who tries to control things, it’s about your fear and anxiety not about what she is doing.)
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Control comes into play when one of you is uncomfortable and marriage is filled with discomfort. It’s part of its design that most people are unaware of or know how to handle. Hence the attempts to push things back into the comfort zone.
And because it’s about your wife’s (or your) fear and anxiety, there is nothing you can do to make it better.
Getting defensive or argumentative will only increase the discomfort—leading to more attempts at control.
Surrendering, on the other hand, gives her what she wants. At least momentarily. But it tells her the behavior works. Which means she has no reason to stop.
What’s needed instead is a different approach. Since it’s about her, you need more information. Getting curious about what is causing the fear and anxiety is that approach.
It won’t be easy because facing one’s fear and anxiety is hard. It’s much easier to put it back on you than deal with these difficult feelings.
This situation requires high level relationship skills. And you probably aren’t prepared. Most people aren’t.
But don’t worry, I’ve got you. If you want to learn those skills, just reach out and we’ll get started.
