“We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection.”
Mac Miller
Two separate emails collided for me this week around the topic of physical intimacy. I’m taking it as the universe wanting me to address this important marital topic. Because it may be the one thing you really want for Christmas.
First, I received an email from a man hurt and frustrated by his wife’s rejection of his invitations to have sex.
The second was the weekly post from The Generous Husband regarding buying lingerie for your wife as a Christmas present.
I picked up my mother’s viewpoint about not buying women gifts that have an electrical cord unless they have specifically asked for that item. I hold a similar perspective about lingerie as a gift.
This came from a conversation with a good friend about lingerie. He said, “Lesli, it’s not about you.” In my mind I was thinking, “It sure as hell is about me.”
Let me be clear. I like lingerie. I just don’t like someone else deciding what it should be and when I should wear it.
Per The Generous Husband’s post, many women see a “gift” of lingerie as objectifying them.
NOT a perspective you want your wife to have if intimacy is an issue in your marriage.
Which brings me to the other email.
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My personal and professional opinion is that neither partner should opt out of a major aspect of marriage. And intimacy is a major aspect.
So I get the hurt and frustration I hear from many men about being rejected by their wives. It is truly painful.
So painful that many find it difficult to talk about in a productive way.
The answer isn’t to just “live with it”, turn to porn, or, worse, have an affair.
All of those options will only make matters worse.
The only thing that will work is having real conversations about it, no matter how scary or difficult. Because if lack of physical intimacy is a challenge, it is the only way to resolve the issue.
Not as a threat or an ultimatum, but as a boundary.
Subtle hints like lingerie, or even unsubtle arguments about it, will only aggravate things. Getting to the heart of the issue, no matter how uncomfortable, is the only path to success.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and let me know if this is a challenge you could use some help with.
I have been the best husband I know how to be. I will do anything she asked. At any time. She lies and verbally abuses me 24-7 yet I still show love and respect. It has been for a couple years and I cannot take going without Intimacy any more? I only want her, yet I get nothing but hate and verbal abuse. So I am even nicer. Still no intimacy. I have to have sexual intimacy, yet i get nothing. Why is it wrong, if GOD refuses to have my wife do anything, so I have to get it from someone else. Whom I do not want, But yet I only need Sexual Intimacy, from a women someone? So what do I do?
Mark–The answer isn’t to get involved with another women. It’s to fix or end the relationship you’re in. I’m curious why you want someone who is hateful and verbally abusive to you. Why is this okay? Being “nice” in the face of this only causes her to lose respect for you.
Lesli is right… don’t cheat, man. Even though you’re hurting and feel rejected, cheating won’t fix the emptiness or give you the connection you really need. Wanting intimacy doesn’t make you weak either. It makes you human. Trust me, I’ve been in your shoes and what I’ve learned is that men and women are wired very differently. Sometimes all it takes is some honest conversations and a different approach. If you want to reconnect with her and bring back intimacy, there’s an incredibly helpful guide at: http://RekindlePassion.info It’s like the author of this article says—when intimacy fades, it’s not about doing more, it’s about understanding better.
Thanks Jason. Tony Robbins is right that the key is knowing what you want. Being the master of yourself is very attractive. It’s not about how often your “intimate” or new positions or opening up the relationship. That’s the superficial stuff. And. It. Won’t. Work.
My wife rejects me sexually, and it’s been going on for as long as I can remember. I’ll try to bring it up, we’ll talk about it, things might seem like they’ll change — but they never really do. It’s like we’re stuck in this same cycle, and I’m always the one feeling lonely, unwanted, and confused. Sometimes I end up online, reading posts from other guys in the same situation, just trying to feel a little less alone. It’s frustrating as hell, and honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore.
Adam–I am really sorry to hear this. There isn’t anything much worse than feeling alone in your relationship. It sounds as if she isn’t being honest about what is going on with her–unless this is the way the relationship has been from the beginning. Sex, especially in a long-term relationship, can be very complicated. And most conversations about it don’t get to the heart of the matter.
You say you don’t know what to do anymore. Have you sought outside help or just been trying to manage it on your own?
Who do you ask for help? What if she refused to participate in rectifying the issue?
Hank–Thanks so much for your comment. You get outside help to get assistance in identifying what’s really going on. It’s important to own your behavior but not her feelings. She may have a valid concern but may be presenting it in inappropriately. It’s a common misperception that she has to participate in rectifying this. When you change your part in the pattern, she can’t maintain her part. The pattern will change because you are doing something different. This is not an easy process, but done correctly and consistently, it will result in change. It’s one of the biggest transformations I help my clients make.
I too suffered for decades finally I stopped suffering, I realized while I needed and wanted my wife she didn’t need or want me in that way. It became time to explore other options. I started by just disengaging from the intimate relationship and prepared my exit strategy. I highly suggest you do the same. Found someone new after a year and here we are 10 years later, happy. Life is too short. As a human being and and a man it may feel like you failed at your marriage, you didn’t. You just have different needs and it is time to move on.
Doc–I’m sorry you suffered for decades. It shouldn’t have been that way. My guess is she also had disengaged from the relationship because she didn’t know how to productively address her pain. It’s why I don’t believe in the common assumption that women are better at relationships. Since they initiate 70-90% of divorces, they aren’t good at communicating what they want in an effective way. It may be true that you and your first wife had different needs, but often it’s a serious case of miscommunication and not having the knowledge and skills for what works. I’m glad you have been able to move on and find happiness.