“Sometimes the urge to be right can be very wrong for a relationship.” Charles F. Glassman
Do you want to be “right” in your marriage, or do you want to be happy in it?
I want to address some of the criticism I’ve gotten in response to my piece, “Is Your Wife Always Mad at You?”
Yes, it is not fair for your wife to yell or otherwise demean you.
It’s also not fair (or accurate) to blame you for everything that she believes is wrong with your marriage.
And I 100% agree with you that she needs to take responsibility for her behavior.
On these points you are right.
But I challenge whether you can be happy if your wife is constantly mad at you.
The suggestions I made in the piece about remaining calm so you can actually identify and understand what is bothering her isn’t about her being right. It’s about what works so your marriage can be better.
When my client Tim showed up for our meeting a couple of months ago, he began the session by saying, “You’re not going to believe this.”
He proceeded to share how his wife was using all the communications tools I taught him.
He added, “And she never even heard about them.”
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I celebrated with him and pointed out how instrumental he was in the change. Because not only was he using the tools consistently during their conversations, he was modeling them for her.
Tim made the decision to take charge of his side of their conversations. And not only did the frequent arguments and blame games subside, but the threat of divorce was also off the table. Now, they’re working on rebuilding their intimacy and connection.
None of this would have happened if he hadn’t changed his part in the unproductive pattern of communication they had established.
Doing more of what you’ve always done—defending yourself, staying quiet, or returning the anger—will only get you what you’ve always gotten.
If you want it to be different, you have to do something different.
Because, as long as your wife gets away with putting it all on you, she will. It’s working for her.
And the two of you will stay stuck. Until one of you has had enough.
That’s not any way to be married.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and share what’s getting in the way of taking your power back in your marriage.
