“If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!” Benjamin Franklin
As you find yourself in the middle of “the most wonderful time of the year”, you may want to ask what does and doesn’t make it that way. For you. For your wife. For your marriage, your kids, your extended families, your friends. Exhausted yet?
Over 60 million people Google things like “my wife ruins every holiday” or “my husband ruins every holiday.
If either of you could be the secret Googler, it’s important to ask yourself what is going on. How is this impacting your marriage and, more importantly, what are you going to do about it?
Because if the holidays are being ruined year after year, you are part of the problem. Even if, in your mind, it is all her doing. She spends too much. She cares too much about decorating the house. She expects you to do all the heavy lifting. Her family lays on the guilt about spending time with them, even if they live hours away, and she won’t ever say ‘no’.
Because none of these things can happen without your agreeing to them on some level.
I know. You don’t want to start a fight over this. Not at this late date. But it is never too late to have a heart to heart about what works for you and what doesn’t.
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If you have already committed to things for this year, do not renege. But be prepared to have a real conversation about what you need to happen going forward.
My rule of thumb is that the first holiday season you are a couple, time should be taken to discuss what matters to each of you in terms of how you want to celebrate. Negotiation then proceeds until there is real agreement—not just “agreeing” to end a difficult conversation. Both of you should feel heard and know your wishes have been included as much as possible.
Everything about the holidays is about boundaries. Yours and your wife’s.
So if the holidays cause you undue stress, you haven’t set clear boundaries. Either as an individual or as a couple.
This could be around how much money to spend, what holiday events to attend, what decorations to put up, where to spend the actual days, and anything else that has caused upset for either of you.
And if you keep doing the same old thing, one of you will continue to dread the holidays.
The first step is to get clear on what is causing the frustration and/or stress. Then you need to go deeper into why you’ve allowed it to continue. Be wary of focusing on your wife’s actions. She plays a part, absolutely. But if you continue to agree, that’s on you.
Hoping that things will get better, that someone else will step up, is a pipe dream. The only way for things to change is to come up with a more suitable solution. One that truly works for you.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out if you struggle to set boundaries around the holidays, or anything else.
