Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. David Augsberger
Does it seem like no matter what you do, your wife always seems to be mad at you? If so, you’re probably hurt, confused, or frustrated. Or all three.
If you’re like most people, when you experience her challenging mood, you respond in one of two ways. Either you become defensive—explain why she is wrong, counter her examples, point out her shortcomings, get upset yourself, and so on. Or, you shut down, don’t engage, tune out.
Whichever one you do, it more than likely makes the situation worse.
It is important to remember that her actions and emotions are about her. She is taking them out on you but she is in charge of herself.
Anger is usually a reflection of hurt, fear, and/or frustration. I know that when I get frustrated, it often comes out as anger. It’s on me to manage, not take it out on the people around me, especially my husband.
The best way to proceed is to disarm your wife by remaining cool, calm, and present.
There are three things you can do to make this happen.
First, when you realize things aren’t right with her, take a few deep breaths. This will enable you to override your initial emotional reaction. If you say or do anything before you grab your emotions, the situation will go downhill.
Second, if she has said anything to you, even if it’s in a harsh or angry tone, take a moment and restate what you heard her say. Again, this will give you time to take charge of your emotional reaction. Use this format—What I heard was finding dirty dishes in the sink is upsetting and unacceptable, is that right?
Said calmly and in this way, it gets her to stop and verify that is indeed the problem.
Once the source of her distress is identified, what you do next is critically important.
Do not go into defense mode. Even if she is blaming you. You may have a part in the events she is upset about but she is choosing to handle it in this way.
At this moment your job is to listen to her to understand what is upsetting her. Try to ask clarifying questions. Understanding her position does not mean you agree with it.
Let me say that again—understanding is not the same as agreement.
Your feelings and experience matter. But your success depends on your ability to wait.
No, it’s not fair. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive. It’s also the best way forward.
Once she feels you’re listening, once she gets it off her chest (no matter how unproductively she does it), that’s when you will be able to have a useful conversation about the source of her anger.
You’ve got this. But, if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you feel like you’re always in the wrong, reach out and we can talk.
Shattered Trust—Now What?
Once a cheater, always a cheater—right? But what if that’s not true. Infidelity is extremely painful, but it doesn’t have to be life sentence, for either of you. It is possible to recover from it and build a relationship that is more authentic and healthier. Marriage therapist, author, and the host of ‘The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall podcast reveals what will help you recover from infidelity, even if you question whether it’s possible or if you need to move on.
I wonder how this advice would change if a man wrote this article.
Dale–I’m curious about what you think would be different. Please understand I am not excusing her behavior. I’m trying to give men a pathway out of the doghouse. It’s easy to meet anger with anger or withdrawal. But either one will only stoke her fire more. That opens you up to more attacks.
To be fair to her, she’s just offering the female perspective. Even if you think she’s wrong, your wife might be having the same thoughts. The author is bang on about how staying calm and listening can defuse the tension and make your wife feel heard (which is often all she really needs in that moment) – I’m not sure if links are allowed, but if you want advice from the male perspective, there’s an incredibly helpful video at: http://www.MendMarriageGuide.com – If I could share one thing from my own experience, it’s that responding to her anger with logic or defensiveness almost never works. It’s frustrating as hell, I know but there are definitely better ways to handle it.
Bryan, thanks for the support. Trying to bring logic to an emotionally laden situation will always fail because when someone is flooded with emotion, their cognitive brain is literally offline. (See trying to rationalize with a toddler in the midst of a tantrum.) Providing a safe space for the other person to feel and process their emotions is necessary before trying to “solve” anything.
Everything in the article makes sense to me, but it’s incomplete. It’s not ok to have regular angry outbursts. You have to set a boundary around how you’re willing to be treated. Scary displays of anger are my wife’s go-to response for any disagreement whatsoever. If she is truly “always angry” it’s not you or your behavior. Being calm is necessary to figure out what’s wrong, but she needs to learn how to communicate effectively. No rage fits or silence.
Kevin–I couldn’t agree more. You can do something your wife doesn’t like but she chooses her emotions and her behavior. Many men don’t know what to do when their wives react emotionally. Being able to remain calm and grounded in the eye of her storm isn’t easy but it’s the only thing that works.
So, women Are always right and men Are always wrong? If men reacted with anger the way women do, we would have been committed and incarcerated
No, women are NOT always right. And men are NOT always wrong. But the best way to respond to her anger is with calm. That doesn’t mean she is right. Nor does it mean how she is behaving is productive or appropriate. But responding in kind will only make the situation worse. If you do, you give her the opportunity to focus on your response which will leave you in the doghouse. At a later date, it’s fair to address her behavior. But, again, done in a calm and controlled manner. This is called leading by example.
Absolutely ridiculous. Even if it is “technically” right. You women acting like children with your insults and tantrums and the man is supposed to take it calmly? Do you even hear yourself? How about you control your emotions, act like a reasonable adult, treat your partner with respect, and communicate with a level head to begin with? Problem solved. Quit putting all this shit on men. We are fucking tired of it.
Jonathan–believe it or not, I agree that women need to control their emotions and not act like children. I also agree that all partners should treat each other with respect and kindness.
The problem is when someone is spun out emotionally, they cannot communicate with a level head. That’s the point of bringing the temperature down. Only then can there be a rational conversation.
Since men are half the population, my goal is to take “all this shit” off of them. I don’t believe they should be treated poorly. But none of us can control what someone else does. You can only choose how you want to respond to it.
I tried all the things listed and it’s not helping. My situation is that I didn’t wash the dishes completely I missed a few spots and I didn’t tell her she looked pretty enough when she picked me up from work. I’ve told her how sorry I am for the dishes and I said how beautiful she looks, I explained why I didnt say it enough when I got into the car. I explained that I understand her point of view and I’ve said how awful I feel abt what I’ve done. now I’m not sure if I should give her space or continue to try and fix the situation. I’m very lost and newly wed please help me.
Todd–Thanks for sharing what’s happening. But I can assure you, she is not mad about the dishes or the lack of a timely compliment. These are surface level events that are tapping into something deeper. Until that is identified and addressed, you will be spinning your wheels. Neither of your “lapses” should make you feel “awful about what you have done” unless you did them on purpose to make her feel bad. She is giving you clues about what matters to her but it’s better to have a direct conversation about it instead of trying to guess.
I use all of these techniques with dealing with my wife when she gets angry or irritated with me. I am never trying to annoy her or say or do the wrong thing, but i feel really unheard and blamed when i need to sit through a tirade of all the things i do wrong even though none of it is intentional and comes out of the blue. All listening seems to do is make her feel justified in her reaction to me as i need to apologise for something that i didn’t mean in the first place. At what point does she need to control her emotional reaction to what I’m doing and approach me calmly to talk about the real issue?
Tom–I completely understand your confusion. Listening alone is not enough. You have to be able to have productive conversations. The pattern of these “tirades” is destructive. Yes, I agree that she should control her emotional reactivity. One of my rules of thumb is never have a serious conversation if one or both of you are upset. This is because our cognitive brains go off-line when we’re flooded by emotion. Knowing how to not have the conversation when she is angry or irritated is a skill you can learn. And it’s one that is well worth it.
Idk man she’s mad at me right now because when asked to tell her which or two different hairstyles I liked better I said idk both look good on you. She then responded “which do you like better.” I informed her I didn’t have a preference either way but it’s nice to change things up once and a while. So she should do the other hairstyle if she wants to. She now irrationally upset with me for not having a strong opinion on one or the other. I tried to make her understand that my only preference for her hair is that it not be too short. Help
What I can say is that this isn’t about her hairstyle. That’s what you’re talking about but that isn’t the issue. This is a “honey, do these pants make me look fat” question. The best option is not to answer the question directly but try to get more information about what she is really asking.
If you’re non-committal about most things, she may be looking for acknowledgment you notice her and care about her. It also may be that she feels like she has to make all the decisions because she doesn’t get feedback from you. This is exhausting and can breed resentment. Something you don’t want in your marriage.
This is just ‘active listening.’ Active listening was created as a way for therapists to appear non-judgmental by emotionally detaching from clients. Sure, if you provide no defense and no anger, most (not all) people will almost immediately flame out with their anger. Emotionally disconnecting from your spouse is detrimental, in the long run, and compartmentalizing your own emotions to satiate your spouse’s unreasonable anger is extremely difficult.
Maybe this is the right answer in the moment of conflict, but it’s certainly NOT the solution to the problem. The problem is the chronic anger, which is a form of abuse. The only possible outcomes of an abusive environment are escalation or destruction (of the victim, typically, but, hopefully, it will just be the relationship that is destroyed).
Bill–you are right. This is only the answer in the moment. It is just one step in the process. It isn’t about emotionally disconnecting or compartmentalizing anyone’s feelings, it’s about choosing the right time and the right way to address what the real issue is.
I respectfully disagree that the only possible outcomes of an abusive environment is either escalation or destruction. Removal is also an option–either temporarily or permanently. Trying to appease anger or matching it leaves the power in the hands of the one expressing it. Changing your part in the pattern is What will change the relationship, even if it leads to its end. In the case of unaddressed abuse, it is the only the only healthy option.
You are never responsible for your partner’s emotions or behavior. You don’t “make them angry”. They choose to be. And you have choices as well.
It angers me the amount of trouble men have to go through just to get women to treat them like humans.
It’s really incredibly frustrating. Most of us deal with this life long
Even this very article is about getting men to do something. Women apparently don’t have the ability to do anything. Nothing is their fault. If a woman is angry It is because of how you’ve reacted to her.
I’ve never actually had a woman take direct accountability acting “mean”. It really makes many men give up
Tom–Thanks for weighing in.
I respectfully disagree that my position is that women don’t have to do anything. Their behavior is entirely on them. I do not give them a pass.
If any man is struggling to get a woman to treat them like a human, they are with the wrong woman. Putting up with unloving behavior for any length of time is not good for any relationship.
The truth is the only person you can control is yourself. Not putting up with her unacceptable behavior is a skill that can be learned. But you have to be calm and in control to make it work.
So why, in your article, do you not make it clear that the wife – getting upset about something as banal as dirty dishes isn’t the one who needs to reflect, but the husband?
In truth, no one gets upset about dirty dishes. It’s a surface level response to a deeper issue–lack of respect, assumed expectations, lack of appreciation, something. Until that deeper issue is identified and addressed, it can’t be resolved. Absolutely, she needs to reflect as it is HER issue. But it is affecting you and your relationship as well. Understanding that it isn’t about the dishes, or the way the food is cooked, doesn’t change the need for the inappropriate behavior to stop. But it does allow for a more productive way to talk about things and put the relationship on a path to success.
What I am taking from this article is that husbands are made to put up with ridiculous, immature, irrational anger stemming from their wives. We are supposed to sit back and take all of her anger and give nothing but pleasantries in return. What you need to do is recognize this this as a red flag BEFORE you get married and then drop her if she acts like this. Men do not have the time and patience to babysit a woman’s feelings while simultaneously being shut down when we express our feelings. It’s unfair and childish to act this way toward your husband. OP is giving horrible advice in this article.
Joe–Thanks for replying. But, NO, I am not saying you should put up with inappropriate behavior from your wife. Her being mad all the time probably didn’t happen before marriage so it wouldn’t have shown as a red flag. It happens over time because productive communication skills are missing.
Babysitting someone else’s feelings or taking responsibility for them is not required. Being present and patient for them, as long as they are being expressed properly, is. And, yes, your feelings deserve the same attention and respect. They should never be shut down.
What an absurd premise. This puts all the onus on men, and it furthermore serves to legitimize childish, poisonous behaviour. You – bewilderingly – have enough self-awareness to acknowledge it’s not fair, and yet if a husband blew up at their wife because their food wasn’t cooked the way they liked it, or similarly trivial, in quite sure your advice for her wouldn’t be “it’s not fair, but take a breath”.
Jon–Thanks for taking the time to comment. My advice to take a breath is what should be done in the moment so you can respond instead of react in kind. The inappropriate behavior absolutely must be addressed. But it is counterproductive to try to have that conversation when someone is emotionally upset. Think trying to rationalize with a toddler when they are having a temper tantrum. It just doesn’t work. They are in their primal brain and incapable of rational thought. (This is true for all of us.) Bringing the emotional temperature down is critical if the issue is ever to be resolved. Taking a breath allows us to override our primal brain by reconnecting with our cognitive one. We can then choose how to handle the situation in a more productive way.
As a husband I would do all of this but you know why? I want my kids to not experience a violent atmosphere. I hate generalizing but of many families I have seen especially millennials onwards, the wives fell short of maturity. They just cannot see the big picture. May be they are not wired like that (not their fault). So if you want to be a hero husband just have this thought running in the background- “they don’t know many things and they can’t see big picture” it will be easy for you to take a forgiving stand like how God forgives you knowing that we are ignorant. And having kids definitely helps. Be forgiving and be a hero. After all life is short and be grateful and wait. Things will turn around ( may be for your wife too)
Sunny–Thanks for sharing your perspective. I completely agree that children shouldn’t be subjected to a high conflict or violent atmosphere. Unfortunately, too many people–both men and women–don’t know how to be in healthy, emotionally mature relationships. They were never taught. They think relationships are natural and, if something isn’t working, they’re just with the wrong person. In reality, they can learn the skills and techniques that will make them successful. Both of you have to agree on what the “big picture” is. The problem with waiting for things to turn around is they frequently get worse over time. Why not take action and learn what works instead?
I’m confused all the time by what my wife says I’m not giving her. She’s angry with me more often than not. She’s mad at me for not initiating intimacy, but rejects me being close to her and says that she needs a deep spiritual connection before then. Then she circles back to being mad that I haven’t initiated intimacy. We both work full-time, both make nearly identical income, but I do all the necessary shopping for the household, all of the transportation for errands and the kids, 99% of the cooking, 90% of the dishes, every project she decides she wants, all the homework help with the kids, and I have to back her in any decisions she makes regarding the kids while she’s free to openly shut down my opinions at any time. She works hard, but does whatever she wants the rest of the time (and really even during her work time); all priorities in the house can change at any minute based solely on what she has decided in that moment.
She says she wants deep conversations about the future, philosophy, religion, dreams, goals, etc., but I have genuinely lost my perspective on any of those things; the older I get, the more unsure I feel about everything, so I don’t know what to bring up about any of those things since I feel like I no longer understand anything about how to make her happy or what the future looks like.
If we have what I think was a good weekend and I make the mistake of telling her that I had a good time with her, she blows up saying that everything’s fine as long as she plays along with everything being “fake” and “surface-level.” I absolutely feel like there is no course of action for me that isn’t going to be the wrong thing to do in her eyes. I’ve expressed that I don’t understand how to give her what she says she wants and am sorry that it results in her feeling like I don’t care or that we don’t have a deep connection, but she reads that as me not trying. I’m perpetually frustrated and I simply miss “us” all the time.
I am so sorry that this is happening. It sounds really hard. It will sound counterintuitive, but the answer is to gain clarity about who you are and how you want to be in your life and step into that person. It means setting clear boundaries about what you will do and how you will be treated while still remaining open to her. If you do this, her behavior will get worse before it gets better. So having a clear plan to deal with that is necessary for success. She has been getting her way, even though she doesn’t always want to. She has you in the “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” cycle but you can end it. It’s one of the biggest transformations my clents make. If you want to learn more about how to do this, you can schedule a time to talk with me here: https://calendly.com/leslidoares/hero-husband-discovery-session
Truth is a large percentage of these men commenting have these problems at home. Hence the reason they found this. I enjoy your perspective and will see how it works. My wife and I don’t really have very many issues but if and when we do I’ll remember this article
Pat–Glad to hear you and your wife are doing well. Yes, far too many men experience this. And it isn’t fair. Knowing how to shift the energy, instead of getting caught up in it, is the key. It’s often challenging because we have to override our primal brain. But it is possible.