Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable. David Augsberger
Does it seem like no matter what you do, your wife always seems to be mad at you? If so, you’re probably hurt, confused, or frustrated. Or all three.
If you’re like most people, when you experience her challenging mood, you respond in one of two ways. Either you become defensive—explain why she is wrong, counter her examples, point out her shortcomings, get upset yourself, and so on. Or, you shut down, don’t engage, tune out.
Whichever one you do, it more than likely makes the situation worse.
It is important to remember that her actions and emotions are about her. She is taking them out on you but she is in charge of herself.
Anger is usually a reflection of hurt, fear, and/or frustration. I know that when I get frustrated, it often comes out as anger. It’s on me to manage, not take it out on the people around me, especially my husband.
The best way to proceed is to disarm your wife by remaining cool, calm, and present.
There are three things you can do to make this happen.
First, when you realize things aren’t right with her, take a few deep breaths. This will enable you to override your initial emotional reaction. If you say or do anything before you grab your emotions, the situation will go downhill.
Second, if she has said anything to you, even if it’s in a harsh or angry tone, take a moment and restate what you heard her say. Again, this will give you time to take charge of your emotional reaction. Use this format—What I heard was finding dirty dishes in the sink is upsetting and unacceptable, is that right?
Said calmly and in this way, it gets her to stop and verify that is indeed the problem.
Once the source of her distress is identified, what you do next is critically important.
Do not go into defense mode. Even if she is blaming you. You may have a part in the events she is upset about but she is choosing to handle it in this way.
At this moment your job is to listen to her to understand what is upsetting her. Try to ask clarifying questions. Understanding her position does not mean you agree with it.
Let me say that again—understanding is not the same as agreement.
Your feelings and experience matter. But your success depends on your ability to wait.
No, it’s not fair. Yes, it may seem counterintuitive. It’s also the best way forward.
Once she feels you’re listening, once she gets it off her chest (no matter how unproductively she does it), that’s when you will be able to have a useful conversation about the source of her anger.
You’ve got this. But, if you don’t, I’ve got you. If you feel like you’re always in the wrong, reach out and we can talk.
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I wonder how this advice would change if a man wrote this article.
Dale–I’m curious about what you think would be different. Please understand I am not excusing her behavior. I’m trying to give men a pathway out of the doghouse. It’s easy to meet anger with anger or withdrawal. But either one will only stoke her fire more. That opens you up to more attacks.
To be fair to her, she’s just offering the female perspective. Even if you think she’s wrong, your wife might be having the same thoughts. The author is bang on about how staying calm and listening can defuse the tension and make your wife feel heard (which is often all she really needs in that moment) – I’m not sure if links are allowed, but if you want advice from the male perspective, there’s an incredibly helpful video at: http://www.MendMarriageGuide.com – If I could share one thing from my own experience, it’s that responding to her anger with logic or defensiveness almost never works. It’s frustrating as hell, I know but there are definitely better ways to handle it.
Bryan, thanks for the support. Trying to bring logic to an emotionally laden situation will always fail because when someone is flooded with emotion, their cognitive brain is literally offline. (See trying to rationalize with a toddler in the midst of a tantrum.) Providing a safe space for the other person to feel and process their emotions is necessary before trying to “solve” anything.
So, women Are always right and men Are always wrong? If men reacted with anger the way women do, we would have been committed and incarcerated
No, women are NOT always right. And men are NOT always wrong. But the best way to respond to her anger is with calm. That doesn’t mean she is right. Nor does it mean how she is behaving is productive or appropriate. But responding in kind will only make the situation worse. If you do, you give her the opportunity to focus on your response which will leave you in the doghouse. At a later date, it’s fair to address her behavior. But, again, done in a calm and controlled manner. This is called leading by example.
I tried all the things listed and it’s not helping. My situation is that I didn’t wash the dishes completely I missed a few spots and I didn’t tell her she looked pretty enough when she picked me up from work. I’ve told her how sorry I am for the dishes and I said how beautiful she looks, I explained why I didnt say it enough when I got into the car. I explained that I understand her point of view and I’ve said how awful I feel abt what I’ve done. now I’m not sure if I should give her space or continue to try and fix the situation. I’m very lost and newly wed please help me.
Todd–Thanks for sharing what’s happening. But I can assure you, she is not mad about the dishes or the lack of a timely compliment. These are surface level events that are tapping into something deeper. Until that is identified and addressed, you will be spinning your wheels. Neither of your “lapses” should make you feel “awful about what you have done” unless you did them on purpose to make her feel bad. She is giving you clues about what matters to her but it’s better to have a direct conversation about it instead of trying to guess.
I use all of these techniques with dealing with my wife when she gets angry or irritated with me. I am never trying to annoy her or say or do the wrong thing, but i feel really unheard and blamed when i need to sit through a tirade of all the things i do wrong even though none of it is intentional and comes out of the blue. All listening seems to do is make her feel justified in her reaction to me as i need to apologise for something that i didn’t mean in the first place. At what point does she need to control her emotional reaction to what I’m doing and approach me calmly to talk about the real issue?