Disagreement in a marriage is a given, but fighting is a choice. I will stand behind these words until I can’t speak any longer. So I have a real problem with those in my profession who believe that if you and your wife aren’t fighting then one of you isn’t being honest about something.
Maybe it just means the two of you have figured out how to deal with your disagreements in a mature and productive way.
My husband and I disagree about a lot of things, but I can count the number of fights we’ve had in 37 years on one hand.
Most of this I attribute to him. Because when we started our relationship, I was a fighter. And I didn’t fight “fair”. But I believed the nonsense that fighting was a necessary part of marriage. Luckily, my husband was both wiser and less volatile.
He never ran away from a disagreement. He just refused to escalate it into an argument. And eventually I learned the value of this approach.
According to marriage guru John Gottman, 69% of all disagreements in a marriage go unresolved. Unfortunately, in most marriages, they just get recycled into never ending arguments. The result being increased distance and resentment.
Yes, one way of dealing with this cycle is for one person to go silent. This is usually the spouse who finds conflict more distressing. So, not fighting could mean that one of you is stifling their own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace.
But disagreeing with someone doesn’t require conflict to follow.
There are times when you disagree with friends, relatives, coworkers, etc. But how often do you fight with them? And how absurd is it to suggest that something is wrong if you don’t?
So, why, in the most important relationship you will ever be in, is fighting seen as not just good but essential?
It reminds me of the company my husband used to work for who every year required all managers to rate some employee a 1 or 2 even if their performance met expectations. What this suggests is that, somehow, they failed to hire or train well. Instead of being rewarded for that, they had to lie about and to one of their team.
If you or your partner are keeping differing opinions to yourself, is it because you fear your partner’s anger or judgment? Or is it because you’ve learned to agree to disagree? The former is problematic and needs to be addressed. The latter is good relationship skill.
Any two people are going to disagree about something at some point in time. It only becomes problematic if you let it. Hiding it can be as detrimental as giving full-throated vent to it. Happily married couples know how to keep their disagreements in perspective.
If you want to know how to resolve disagreements without arguing, I invite you to schedule a conversation with me.
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