“Insecurity is at the heart of every rivalry.” Beth Moore
Several years ago, a client of mine said, “If I do what my wife wants, she wins.”
I had two thoughts.
First, you don’t want to make accommodations for your wife?
Second, you’ve just set your marriage up as a competition where one of you “wins” and the other “loses”.
This is not the path to a happy, lasting marriage. But it’s one many couples travel.
My husband and I recently celebrated our 39th anniversary and have been together for forty years. We have always made room for each other and our relationship.
In addition to being romantic partners, we are also friends. We want the best for each other and try to ensure our actions reflect that.
I don’t say this to brag. In fact, based on my history, I’m a bit surprised myself.
My parents got divorced after many years of unhappiness and I spent many years looking for love in all the wrong places. And if I had married either of my college boyfriends, it would have been a disaster.
So, I wasn’t set up for marital happiness.
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But, because my husband and I are friends, lots of things have been easier. We really don’t compete in anything—except when we play disc golf but that’s another story.
I do most of the things he wants to do because it makes him happy. And he does the same for me.
Because we’re partners, not rivals. We want what’s best for the other because that’s what’s best for the relationship.
And to get there, you can’t focus on winning. Or fear. Or anger. Or control. Or appeasement.
In far too many relationships, the partners are afraid to go all in. So they try to “control” the other or the situation to maintain their own comfort.
The two forms this usually takes is overbearing behavior—my way or the highway, unbridled anger, the silent treatment, withholding of affection and support, and so on.
The other way is complete capitulation, no boundaries, settling to keep the peace, overfunctioning, etc.
But instead of keeping you safe and comfortable, it hurts the relationship. And, by extension, it hurts both of you as well.
It increases distance and reduces connection. And that leaves both of you and your marriage losing.
It doesn’t have to be that way. But you have to be willing to do what works.
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know what keeps you from going all in on your marriage.
