“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow—this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” Elizabeth Gilbert
If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you know I’m not fond of the expression “happy wife, happy life.” It’s not that I don’t want wives to be happy. It’s just that I want both partners to feel good about their marriage.
And I do recognize that one of the most upsetting things for a husband is for his wife to be unhappy. He neither wants her to be upset nor does he want to feel like he has failed her when she is.
But the action far too many husbands take to change this situation often makes it worse.
The action? Doing everything your wife wants you to do.
I do believe that both of you should say “yes” to each other’s requests as often as possible. But it can’t be a one-way street. That just opens the door to resentment.
The second problem with this action is that it puts the majority of the responsibility for what goes on in the relationship on her. Instead of being an equal partner in the marriage, you wait to follow her lead.
While it may sound like a great idea, and it actually might work for a bit, she will get tired of having to lead you. Worse, she will lose respect for you in the long run.
So, Lesli, I hear you say. What does work?
The studies on happiness show two things:
- It takes 3-5 positive interactions to counterbalance one negative one. That’s how powerful the negative is.
- The more gratitude a person feels, the happier they are.
If the positive to negative ratio is out of balance in your marriage, your wife will have a more pessimistic perception of it. And that’s a problem.
And increasing your expressions of gratitude can flip that ratio.
Three times a day—before you leave each other, when you come back together, and before you go to bed—share one thing you are grateful to her for. Mix it up between her qualities and her actions.
If you know there is a characteristic that she struggles with, try to find a way to build her up with your expressions of gratitude. She may dismiss them, but she will still hear you.
And as you tell her what you appreciate about her, she will start to do the same with you. And as you both focus on what you value in each other, you will be making your marriage stronger and happier.
That’s what I call a win-win-win.
You’ve got this. And if you don’t, I’ve got you. Reach out and let me know how I can help.
AROUND THE WEB THIS WEEK
Marriage is 100/100
If your marriage isn’t all you want it to be, who is responsible? The truth? You both are. Every decision you each have made has brought you to this situation. And if you both keep doing the same things, you will stay in the same place. So how do you move forward? Relationship Coach and author Matthew Fray reveals some lessons he learned the hard way.
In the article from Very Well Mind, Lesli shares strategies for dealing with common sources of conflict in marriage
