“Change is the only constant in life.” Heraclitus
There’s a saying that men marry hoping their wives won’t change and women marry hoping their husbands will. There is a bit of truth in both positions.
Who each of you are at your core will not change. The rest is up for alteration.
When you interact with someone over and over, you will influence each other. How open you and your wife are to this influence will play a huge role in how happily married you will be.
I was thinking about this as I read a letter to “Dear Abby” the other day. A husband wrote in about his wife who refused to stop wearing her shoes in the house. He believes it brings dirt in and makes extra work.
In response, “Abby” acknowledged that a study showed that half of dust in a house is tracked in on our shoes. In addition, shoes carry viruses and other unwanted substances into your home. She went on to excuse the wife’s unwillingness to honor her husband’s request because “the habits of a lifetime are hard to break.”
An answer I find both unhelpful and non-relational.
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A good relationship, especially a good marriage, requires flexibility. Holding onto old habits, simply because you’ve been doing them for years, is not a great approach.
If you or your wife is making a reasonable and rational request for a change of behavior, and it can be honored, it should be. Yes, you may be more comfortable doing it the way you always have but your marriage will suffer if you do.
When I first got married, I worked in retail. I spent long days on my feet, usually in high heels. When I got home, I would kick off my shoes and leave them wherever they landed. Drove my husband crazy.
He repeatedly asked me to put my shoes in the closet. I repeatedly ignored him because it was a habit that I didn’t believe was problematic.
Luckily for me, he had a sense of humor instead of a hot temper. I came home one day and found 8 pairs of shoes “walking” from the front door to the bedroom. I broke into hysterical laughter. More importantly, I also got the point.
Altering your behavior at your partner’s request is an act of love. The more often you’re able to say yes to these requests, the more goodwill you generate.
What habits are you holding onto? What requests could you honor?
You’ve got this. But if you don’t, I’ve got you. Contact me and let me know what’s keeping you stuck.
